The Kindness of a Dalton

Yesterday was Family Day in the greatest have-not province Confederation has ever seen.

Coincidentally, this holiday, created by our ever-so-caring premier Mother Dalton McGuinty, was concurrent with the beginning of Kindness Week here in our fair city.

What could be more appropriate? Who is kinder than Dalton McGuinty? Remember his health tax that he promised would never happen? (Oops sorry, it’s a premium and not a tax – go back to sleep my fellow somnambulant citizens).

Anyway, I thought back to the last election campaign when he was doing a walkabout at a hospital. When Dalton tried to shake a man’s hand, the man refused and said, “I've got cancer and you’re not helping any.” Remember Dalton’s reaction? He replied offhandedly, “Oh that’s not true. That’s not true.” He and his wife continued their casual stroll with the hospital director (or whatever he was) as if nothing happened.

So that’s kindness à la Dalton. Instead of stopping in his tracks and expressing sympathy, or trying to convince the man he would try to help him, this paragon of virtue walks away and plays to the cameras.

Let’s not forget what this guy is really about: spin, distracting the herd of dozy Ontarians from real issues, and maintaining power.

Oops - sorry! I forgot, we’re Canadians and we don't “do politics”. Because that would be “negative”.

HAPPY KINDNESS WEEK FELLOW CITIZENS!

Thank You For Family Day Dalton McGuinty!

Thanks to Dalton McGuinty, we Ontarinos are today benefitting from Family Day, our newest statutory holiday.

While sitting at my office spending time with the photo of my family, I took a moment to reflect upon what Mother McGuinty has done for us besides merely declaring a well-received day off.

When I started thinking about what he has courageously banned (all for our benefit), it became apparent that EVERYTHING he’s done is aimed at making life better for Ontario Families.

Herewith a list of things he’s forbidden in his all-too-so-short tenure as Premier, along with the reason why each measure benefits every family:

Things Banned by Mother Dalton McGuinty

1. Buck a beer. Good for the family because it encourages Dads to drink less.

2. Lawn chemicals. Good for the family because it allows parents to spend less time with their children outdoors playing on dangerous chemical-laced lawns; instead they are all safely inside - as a family - in front of their individual PCs or TVs.

3. Trans fats in schools. Family comes first here, as Trans fats outside the home are much worse than the trans-fats in processed foods that busy on-the-go families are forced to serve their children.

4. Incandescent bulbs. Good for families because bright (incandescent) bulbs discourage blindness. Blindness is a laudable goal, as it forces families to depend on each other, and in an ideal situation, maybe even get a dog!

5. Riding a bike without a helmet. Families will no longer be racked by grief when one of their kids gets killed by a car while not wearing a helmet. Death will be easier accepted because of the knowledge that little Johnny was wearing his CCM special. And closure will come more quickly. Oh, and the family will save money on grief counsellors!

6. Cigarette displays in corner stores. Good for families because it takes away the need for parents to survey their own children, thus helping them to focus on other things like making money (which is good for families).

7. New construction in the so called “green belt” area. Good for families because they can go to the green belt and frolic on days like Family Day (unless they work for the federal government, in which case they deserve not to have time off - the wastrels and lazy oafs/oafettes).

8. Pit bull dogs. Families benefit from this because their own ill-tempered little lapdogs and kids will never be mauled again. With pit bulls gone, there is no more danger whatsoever from any source whatsoever.

9. Plastic bags. Good for families who fear their children may suffocate when they place bags upon their heads. Not so good for those who wish this to happen, but they are in the minority (which is a collateral good for families).

10. Smoking in public places. What family in its right mind wants to smoke in a public place? By promoting clean air in public, evil smokers are kept out of sight and out of mind. At the same time, under-18s are allowed to smoke in designated areas at their school, which promotes mental health and allows teens to keep their entitlements. A very shrewd move by our Mother Dalton.

11. Smoking in cars with kids. Families will live longer thanks to this measure. Whereas before, when all children of smoking parents died very young from their evil parents’ second-hand smoke (yes, ALL of them); now there is no more danger! Children will now be ferried everywhere in a smoke-free environment, with their parents having the extra advantage of a free hand to use the cell phone, read a paper, or apply makeup. It’s a win-win for the whole family!

12. Flavoured cigarillos. Although this may not appear to apply to a family, many are unaware that flavoured cigarillos lead children to become addicted to things that are sweet tasting. This in turn leads to a higher intake of candy (with sugar – bad), pop (again – bad sugar), and other sweets available from irresponsible parents and adults. Now that they can’t become hooked on sweets by tasting cigarillos, kids will be less likely to become obese and develop diabetes. Families are dancing in the streets!

So today on this Family Day, after work, raise a glass with your family in honour of our illustrious leader, Dalton McGuinty, who not only gave us THIS DAY, but has saved us from ourselves by outlawing bad things (with more to come!!).

Remember, without Dalton McGuinty’s bans, our families would all be dead.