Reflections of Canadian Society Aboard Ottawa Buses

OK so like today I'm like on the bus and stuff, and like I'm sitting near two pretty young women who are like sitting in the sideways seats?

Like the seats are sideways? On the bus? Like what's up with that?
What happens if the bus like hits a moose or a bear on the transitway?
Sideways whiplash? Like that would hurt right?
And what about the moose and the bear? What if they have little meese or bear scouts or whatever? They'd be like homeless and then the market would have like more homeless people right? And that would be like so wrong?
And that's why I don't vote - because like things never change and like voting at night is a pain because it always happens like during "So You Think You Can Like Dance" or "America's Next Top Model" or "American Idle" (which is way way better than "Canadian Idle" right?).
Canadian shows sooooo like suck and everything right?

But I digest.

Said wimmin were in their early twenties. I've seen them before; they're the cookie cutter junior civil servant type, fresh out of university after a lifetime of schooling and being told they're special and entitled. They were extremely loud and one of them had a laugh like a pile driver hitting solid metal (and I think we all know what that sounds like).

They spoke about every banal subject under the sun, but mostly about their boyfriends. When they did speak about their jobs (very briefly) it was to complain about not being senior enough and there are too many old people who are telling them what to do. Really.

One particularly brilliant exchange (names have been invented to exaggerate their stupidity):

Faleeshah: So like my boyfriend plays baseball.

Tammee: Yeah, he's sooo hot.

Faleeshah: Back off!!! Hahahahaha!

Tammee: No way! Hahahahaha!

Faleeshah: Anyway, so like they had nobody to do the scoring, you know like the guy who stands behind the batter?

Tammee: Oh like the guy who decides if you're in or out?

Faleeshah: Yeah, the guy. The ref or whatever.

Tammee: Yeah, that's the ref.

Faleeshah: So like my boyfriend's really really good but when it was his turn to hit the ball, he must have been distracted by me. So he kept missing, so I called him out.

Tammee: What?!

Faleeshah: I called him out.

Tammee: No way! Really? Why? What did he do?

Faleeshah: He didn't hit the ball, and the other guy threw it too many times so I had to call him out.

Tammee: But what did you call him out for?

Faleeshah: For missing the ball! You have to like tell the guy, like, "You're out!"

Tammee: Why?

Faleeshah: Oh it's like a rule or something. Then they have to like go sit down and have a beer or whatever.

Tammee: Oh! I thought you were calling him out like because he was unfaithful or dissed you. Hahahahaha!

Faleeshah: Shut up! HahahahahahaHAH!

Tammee: No YOU shut up! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

You just can't make this stuff up.

Shannon Tweed Day Cancelled!!

We have a mayor on trial for alleged influence peddling, and we have a stand-in mayor who is faced with a "dilemma" over whether or not to name a special day in Ottawa for an ex-playmate (should that have a capital "P"?).

In an article on the CBC News website entitled "Shannon Tweed Day stripped off Ottawa's calendar", we are informed that our acting-while-so-employed mayor Doug Thompson had earlier declared that next Wednesday shall be Shannon Tweed day, ostensibly because the fair Mrs. Simmons once lived here. Of course, in true Canadian small-time politician fashion, once a little resistance to this intelligent proposal emerged, he backed down quicker than a fat lady climbing up a waterslide. Sayeth Mister Mayor, "To be honest, I really didn't know who she was."

One wonders then why he would name a day after her?

One also wonders why certain Ottawans insist that this city is actually more than a petty little town that couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. In the same article, we are informed that "the city has...also proclaimed World Hypnotism Day and Laughter Day."

All meaningless and harmless events to be sure, but what's the point? Let's stop the distractions and start fixing Ottawa, beginning with the roads, the dangerous drivers, and the inefficient bus service.

Hey! I get it! Shannon Tweed Day "stripped" off the calendar! HAHA! Why you CBC punsters! She's been "stripped" off the calendar as a reference to her days as a nude model. I totally get it! Well done CBC. No wonder you're the top news agency in the world!

NDP and International Womens' Rights? Only if there are votes in it, innit?

So I was perusing my favourite authoritative newspaper today, and therein was a little ditty about MuammarGaddafi, just a Libyan Dic doin' the best he can.

It would seem that "Gaddy" likes his bodyguards with more than just the usual muscular bumps. He likes them with estrogen. Not only that, he insists that they be virgins. Now isn't that spayshul?

As the NOW points out, "The all female bodyguards, along with their khaki uniforms and red berets, wear lipstick, jewellery, and even high heels - but are trained in armed combat.

All 40 guards are virgins, and he insists they remain so."

So this must be a dilemma for the lefty feminists of the NDP and other such parties (whatever they are). On the one hand, these women aren't being treated like chattel, which the NDP never protests anyway, so they can breathe a sigh of relief over that one - nothing to see here folks; yet, on the other hand, they are dressed like virginistic securo-totty, which would enrage the feministas if it were to happen here.

But there's the rub: it's not happening here, there are no votes in it, and most of all the RIGHT tends to be anti-Gaddafi - so there you have it.

Who in the Canadian media will notice this?

Nooobody!

Idiot, Thy Name is Canadian

Here's another groundbreaking study by our "National" newspaper, the Mop & Pail.

Apparently, drinking a lot leads to drinking a lot. The title proclaims "Regular drinkers at risk of binge boozing".

OMFG, really?

And just in case one is inclined to overlook the shocking headline, the subtitle reads, "All genders and age groups at risk, Canadian study says."

And, get this, the McGill squad of highly-qualified academia also discovered that "...women tend to drink less than men."

Thank you Globe and Mail.

The article also tells us that Ms. Demers (one of the geniuses who received money to travel and investigate the obvious) was in Norway, and was discussing Canadian drinkers with her Norwegian hosts: "'They were looking at me and they did not understand,' she said of the Norwegians, noting she told them Canadians drink moderately and don't often get intoxicated."

I had this silly notion that Canadians do get intoxicated. But thankfully Ms Demers (whoever she is) has laid that myth to rest (while gently inferring that Norwegians are not quite so up to snuff as we Canucks are). God bless academia eh?

For anyone who bemoans the lack of journalistic rigour that seems to be prevalent in most of our media these days, this is not an unusual article. The average Canadian (assuming he or she even reads a newspaper) will accept this "study" as some kind of proof that drinking is bad, then turn around and open a highly-taxed beer.

For those of us who are actually awake, we'll tuck this apparently meaningless article away in the recesses of our pea-brains. Then when the state (à la Dalton McGuinty) decides to protect us from ourselves in one of its initiatives meant to distract from any real issues like health care, we may notice that this is one of the many "studies" used to impose any number of controlling measures upon we the sheepulace, all for our own protection.

As my friend "Chris" pointed out - the last line in the article sums it up. But the academics don't get it.

Track and Field Will Kill Your Child

This is not a new story - it's several weeks old after all - but as a concerned and caring parent I think we need to pull our collective head out of the proverbial sand and admit that our children run the risk of dying at the hands of out of control gun-wielding gym teachers.

According to a moderate and intelligent website, the fact that starter pistols are used to, um, start races is an affront to all that is decent and Canadian. Why, just the "symbolism" of a pistol at a track meet could very well lead our little angels and angelfishies to a life of crime, degradation, and maybe even - gasp - conservatism!

As is noted in the well written and objective article, "...the movement to ban the gun because of its deadly symbolism includes someone who literally has pulled the trigger to start foot races for thousands of high school athletes across Ontario."

My heart stopped when I read this shocking news. Well not literally stopped; or I'd be an ex-parrot. I just felt so sorry for this poor fellow who has to live with the fact that he LITERALLY (as opposed to figuratively, one would suppose) pulled the trigger - on thousands of high school athletes! Isn't that tantamount to Possibly Literal Trackicide?

Symbolism: what a terrible burden to bear.

What heroes these "men" are for owning up to their misdeeds. Firing toy guns to start a race, then having the moral fibre to confess (years later), that what they did was tantamount to symbolic murder!

"'We don't need people standing around with (pistols) - those days are done,' said Brian Keaveney, a former teacher and an internationally ranked starter who has his own pistol."

Wow. What a hero. A round of Medals of Bravery for my frenzzzzzz!

Yes, yes, I know. I make the jokes and we all laugh, because "making the jokes" is a good way of avoiding discussion of the subject. And avoiding any discussion about serious issues is the Canadian way.

Who wants to bet that by this time next year Dalton will have banned these pistols, and nobody will have said a bloody word? He did it with pesticides, the 0.05% blood alcohol limit, and the health tax.

Ontarians are the dullest dullards to be found this side of Quahog.

The Superiority of Canadians

After a week away from Ottawa, I've had a chance to see how the other half lives. By "other half" I'm referring to people outside of Ottawa. My "friend John" knows I'm hard on my city and critical of the people who are a drain upon it (i.e. the citizens who don't vote, the voters who vote for the same incompetent boobs year after year (Bob Monette excepted), and the incompetent boobs who are elected year after year - Bob Monette excepted).

So I was pleasantly surprised to meet nothing but friendly people when I was in Sarnia this week. It's a working class town that seems to be chock-a-block full of kind, polite and talkative people. This compared to the usual Ottawan who is rude, inconsiderate and mute when spoken to. Yes I'm generalizing, but without generalizations, assumptions would lose their appeal wot!

So like I'm in Toronto to catch the train back to Ottawa, and am directed to wait in the Panorama "Lounge". Apparently it's a first class facility for those who are travelling Via 1 (the Canadian Peoples' Railway's version of first class).

So like I'm in the lounge, minding my own beeswax, and it is standing room only for those who are privileged to enjoy the perks of travelling Via 1 (second to none!). (I guess they haven't figured out that if you have 40 seats in a lounge, and there are four trains leaving at about the same time, each with about 40 passengers in the Via 1 car alone, there may be a bit of an overflow.) Oh well, what can you do eh? We're lucky to be Canadian so let's have a free tomato juice!

So like anyway, I'm surrounded by SHATs (Standard High Achiever Torontonians) who elbow each other out of the way to get to the free coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages. I imagine it would be bedlam if they had booze. Thank God we Canadians have made drinking almost illegal.

Across from my hard-won seat is a French Canadian couple (not that there's anything wrong with that). He, trashingly resplendent in his jeans, white socks, Nike shoes and a 27-year-old leather jacket; she, alluringly ugly in her 34-year-old Harley Davidson jacket, jeans and Nike shoes (wow, they have the same shoes!). Her trousers have two-inch slits up the outside of both legs, with strips of material holding the pants together. The white puffy flesh of her jambes pokes out of the openings, and is speckled with cellulite, which increases in size as one's gaze moves upward. Her oily hair is tied back, revealing a flabby visage blotted with Mr. Limpet-style lips, and bulbous eyes that remind one of Sir Winston Churchill.

A RIP (Really Important Canadian) SHAT strides in purposefully, cell phone attached to his ear, and stressed to the max. He plunks himself down and says, to nobody in particular, "Damn train to Montreal is delayed by at least 30 minutes. Some asshole got himself killed on the tracks, so we'll be late!"

No one looks up from their complimentary Toronto Stars and coin-machine lattes.

Yep, Canadians sure are better than Americans.

Ban Everything European

OK, now I'm really miffed (when the kiddies aren't looking, substitute a "p" for the "m" and a "s" for the "f").

The wonderfully progressive Euroweenies have decided that it would be wonderfully thoughtful of them to ban all products from the Canadian seal "slaughter".

OK fair enough. So, let's see:

• Force feeding geese until their livers burst so we can spread their luscious creamy foie gras on lovely crispy little Parisian toasties, is OK;
• Exhausting a bull in the middle of an arena, then stabbing him (or her) slowly to death in front of a crowd of screaming Spaniards drinking day-old Rioja, is OK;
• Amputating frogs' legs and leaving them to beg in the streets of Dijon with nothing but a mustard plaster, is OK;
• Killing dogs for food in Korea is OK.

(Alright, so Korea isn't in the EU. But it could be! I'm just trying make a point ovah hear!)

Anyway, what rankles is the singling out of Canada as a barbaric nation that engages in cruel treatment of a certain type of animal (the harp seal, in case you lost track).

As Bruno Waterfield points out, the issue is not animal cruelty (because after all, the Canadian seal hunt is not a cruel endeavour - that's a myth); it's about votes and stupid people voting for stupid European power-mad parliamentarians.

But what rankles more is the lack of anger from Canadians. So once again, we deserve any negative fallout from this ill-informed move, because we don't fight back.

As for me and my family, we're banning all European products from now on (except of course for the Swedish masseuse, the Spanish nanny, and the Croatian dalmatian).