Idiot, Thy Name is Canadian

Here's another groundbreaking study by our "National" newspaper, the Mop & Pail.

Apparently, drinking a lot leads to drinking a lot. The title proclaims "Regular drinkers at risk of binge boozing".

OMFG, really?

And just in case one is inclined to overlook the shocking headline, the subtitle reads, "All genders and age groups at risk, Canadian study says."

And, get this, the McGill squad of highly-qualified academia also discovered that "...women tend to drink less than men."

Thank you Globe and Mail.

The article also tells us that Ms. Demers (one of the geniuses who received money to travel and investigate the obvious) was in Norway, and was discussing Canadian drinkers with her Norwegian hosts: "'They were looking at me and they did not understand,' she said of the Norwegians, noting she told them Canadians drink moderately and don't often get intoxicated."

I had this silly notion that Canadians do get intoxicated. But thankfully Ms Demers (whoever she is) has laid that myth to rest (while gently inferring that Norwegians are not quite so up to snuff as we Canucks are). God bless academia eh?

For anyone who bemoans the lack of journalistic rigour that seems to be prevalent in most of our media these days, this is not an unusual article. The average Canadian (assuming he or she even reads a newspaper) will accept this "study" as some kind of proof that drinking is bad, then turn around and open a highly-taxed beer.

For those of us who are actually awake, we'll tuck this apparently meaningless article away in the recesses of our pea-brains. Then when the state (à la Dalton McGuinty) decides to protect us from ourselves in one of its initiatives meant to distract from any real issues like health care, we may notice that this is one of the many "studies" used to impose any number of controlling measures upon we the sheepulace, all for our own protection.

As my friend "Chris" pointed out - the last line in the article sums it up. But the academics don't get it.

Track and Field Will Kill Your Child

This is not a new story - it's several weeks old after all - but as a concerned and caring parent I think we need to pull our collective head out of the proverbial sand and admit that our children run the risk of dying at the hands of out of control gun-wielding gym teachers.

According to a moderate and intelligent website, the fact that starter pistols are used to, um, start races is an affront to all that is decent and Canadian. Why, just the "symbolism" of a pistol at a track meet could very well lead our little angels and angelfishies to a life of crime, degradation, and maybe even - gasp - conservatism!

As is noted in the well written and objective article, "...the movement to ban the gun because of its deadly symbolism includes someone who literally has pulled the trigger to start foot races for thousands of high school athletes across Ontario."

My heart stopped when I read this shocking news. Well not literally stopped; or I'd be an ex-parrot. I just felt so sorry for this poor fellow who has to live with the fact that he LITERALLY (as opposed to figuratively, one would suppose) pulled the trigger - on thousands of high school athletes! Isn't that tantamount to Possibly Literal Trackicide?

Symbolism: what a terrible burden to bear.

What heroes these "men" are for owning up to their misdeeds. Firing toy guns to start a race, then having the moral fibre to confess (years later), that what they did was tantamount to symbolic murder!

"'We don't need people standing around with (pistols) - those days are done,' said Brian Keaveney, a former teacher and an internationally ranked starter who has his own pistol."

Wow. What a hero. A round of Medals of Bravery for my frenzzzzzz!

Yes, yes, I know. I make the jokes and we all laugh, because "making the jokes" is a good way of avoiding discussion of the subject. And avoiding any discussion about serious issues is the Canadian way.

Who wants to bet that by this time next year Dalton will have banned these pistols, and nobody will have said a bloody word? He did it with pesticides, the 0.05% blood alcohol limit, and the health tax.

Ontarians are the dullest dullards to be found this side of Quahog.

The Superiority of Canadians

After a week away from Ottawa, I've had a chance to see how the other half lives. By "other half" I'm referring to people outside of Ottawa. My "friend John" knows I'm hard on my city and critical of the people who are a drain upon it (i.e. the citizens who don't vote, the voters who vote for the same incompetent boobs year after year (Bob Monette excepted), and the incompetent boobs who are elected year after year - Bob Monette excepted).

So I was pleasantly surprised to meet nothing but friendly people when I was in Sarnia this week. It's a working class town that seems to be chock-a-block full of kind, polite and talkative people. This compared to the usual Ottawan who is rude, inconsiderate and mute when spoken to. Yes I'm generalizing, but without generalizations, assumptions would lose their appeal wot!

So like I'm in Toronto to catch the train back to Ottawa, and am directed to wait in the Panorama "Lounge". Apparently it's a first class facility for those who are travelling Via 1 (the Canadian Peoples' Railway's version of first class).

So like I'm in the lounge, minding my own beeswax, and it is standing room only for those who are privileged to enjoy the perks of travelling Via 1 (second to none!). (I guess they haven't figured out that if you have 40 seats in a lounge, and there are four trains leaving at about the same time, each with about 40 passengers in the Via 1 car alone, there may be a bit of an overflow.) Oh well, what can you do eh? We're lucky to be Canadian so let's have a free tomato juice!

So like anyway, I'm surrounded by SHATs (Standard High Achiever Torontonians) who elbow each other out of the way to get to the free coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages. I imagine it would be bedlam if they had booze. Thank God we Canadians have made drinking almost illegal.

Across from my hard-won seat is a French Canadian couple (not that there's anything wrong with that). He, trashingly resplendent in his jeans, white socks, Nike shoes and a 27-year-old leather jacket; she, alluringly ugly in her 34-year-old Harley Davidson jacket, jeans and Nike shoes (wow, they have the same shoes!). Her trousers have two-inch slits up the outside of both legs, with strips of material holding the pants together. The white puffy flesh of her jambes pokes out of the openings, and is speckled with cellulite, which increases in size as one's gaze moves upward. Her oily hair is tied back, revealing a flabby visage blotted with Mr. Limpet-style lips, and bulbous eyes that remind one of Sir Winston Churchill.

A RIP (Really Important Canadian) SHAT strides in purposefully, cell phone attached to his ear, and stressed to the max. He plunks himself down and says, to nobody in particular, "Damn train to Montreal is delayed by at least 30 minutes. Some asshole got himself killed on the tracks, so we'll be late!"

No one looks up from their complimentary Toronto Stars and coin-machine lattes.

Yep, Canadians sure are better than Americans.

Ban Everything European

OK, now I'm really miffed (when the kiddies aren't looking, substitute a "p" for the "m" and a "s" for the "f").

The wonderfully progressive Euroweenies have decided that it would be wonderfully thoughtful of them to ban all products from the Canadian seal "slaughter".

OK fair enough. So, let's see:

• Force feeding geese until their livers burst so we can spread their luscious creamy foie gras on lovely crispy little Parisian toasties, is OK;
• Exhausting a bull in the middle of an arena, then stabbing him (or her) slowly to death in front of a crowd of screaming Spaniards drinking day-old Rioja, is OK;
• Amputating frogs' legs and leaving them to beg in the streets of Dijon with nothing but a mustard plaster, is OK;
• Killing dogs for food in Korea is OK.

(Alright, so Korea isn't in the EU. But it could be! I'm just trying make a point ovah hear!)

Anyway, what rankles is the singling out of Canada as a barbaric nation that engages in cruel treatment of a certain type of animal (the harp seal, in case you lost track).

As Bruno Waterfield points out, the issue is not animal cruelty (because after all, the Canadian seal hunt is not a cruel endeavour - that's a myth); it's about votes and stupid people voting for stupid European power-mad parliamentarians.

But what rankles more is the lack of anger from Canadians. So once again, we deserve any negative fallout from this ill-informed move, because we don't fight back.

As for me and my family, we're banning all European products from now on (except of course for the Swedish masseuse, the Spanish nanny, and the Croatian dalmatian).

Winner Declared in Liberal Leadership Contest!!

Wow!

Who woulda thunkit?

A guy named Michael Ignatieff is now the next Prime Minister of Canada!

What tension, what drama!

One wonders what the outcome of the ballots was. How did the other guys/gals make out (not in that way - they're Liberals)? Who came second? Who could have been a contenda?

I must calm meself. The papers will give us all the gory details tomorrow. How delish!

I LOVE CANADIAN POLITICS!