The Happy Ottawan

IS IGGY TRYING TOO HARD TO BE YOUTHFUL?

2009-09-21T22:10:00.004-04:00

Poor Iggy. Is he so bent on becoming PM that he's resorting to artificial means to appeal to the younger generation?

Jack & Gilles Tryst Uncovered!

2009-09-16T22:55:00.003-04:00

I knew it! The pretend animosity between Parliament's most beloved socialist leaders was nothing but a sham. Poor Olivia! Poor Québécois et Québécoises!

Reflections of Canadian Society Aboard Ottawa Buses

2009-08-19T20:16:00.009-04:00

OK so like today I'm like on the bus and stuff, and like I'm sitting near two pretty young women who are like sitting in the sideways seats?

Like the seats are sideways? On the bus? Like what's up with that?
What happens if the bus like hits a moose or a bear on the transitway?
Sideways whiplash? Like that would hurt right?
And what about the moose and the bear? What if they have little meese or bear scouts or whatever? They'd be like homeless and then the market would have like more homeless people right? And that would be like so wrong?
And that's why I don't vote - because like things never change and like voting at night is a pain because it always happens like during "So You Think You Can Like Dance" or "America's Next Top Model" or "American Idle" (which is way way better than "Canadian Idle" right?).
Canadian shows sooooo like suck and everything right?

But I digest.

Said wimmin were in their early twenties. I've seen them before; they're the cookie cutter junior civil servant type, fresh out of university after a lifetime of schooling and being told they're special and entitled. They were extremely loud and one of them had a laugh like a pile driver hitting solid metal (and I think we all know what that sounds like).

They spoke about every banal subject under the sun, but mostly about their boyfriends. When they did speak about their jobs (very briefly) it was to complain about not being senior enough and there are too many old people who are telling them what to do. Really.

One particularly brilliant exchange (names have been invented to exaggerate their stupidity):

Faleeshah: So like my boyfriend plays baseball.

Tammee: Yeah, he's sooo hot.

Faleeshah: Back off!!! Hahahahaha!

Tammee: No way! Hahahahaha!

Faleeshah: Anyway, so like they had nobody to do the scoring, you know like the guy who stands behind the batter?

Tammee: Oh like the guy who decides if you're in or out?

Faleeshah: Yeah, the guy. The ref or whatever.

Tammee: Yeah, that's the ref.

Faleeshah: So like my boyfriend's really really good but when it was his turn to hit the ball, he must have been distracted by me. So he kept missing, so I called him out.

Tammee: What?!

Faleeshah: I called him out.

Tammee: No way! Really? Why? What did he do?

Faleeshah: He didn't hit the ball, and the other guy threw it too many times so I had to call him out.

Tammee: But what did you call him out for?

Faleeshah: For missing the ball! You have to like tell the guy, like, "You're out!"

Tammee: Why?

Faleeshah: Oh it's like a rule or something. Then they have to like go sit down and have a beer or whatever.

Tammee: Oh! I thought you were calling him out like because he was unfaithful or dissed you. Hahahahaha!

Faleeshah: Shut up! HahahahahahaHAH!

Tammee: No YOU shut up! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

You just can't make this stuff up.

Shannon Tweed Day Cancelled!!

2009-07-09T18:58:00.004-04:00

We have a mayor on trial for alleged influence peddling, and we have a stand-in mayor who is faced with a "dilemma" over whether or not to name a special day in Ottawa for an ex-playmate (should that have a capital "P"?).

In an article on the CBC News website entitled "Shannon Tweed Day stripped off Ottawa's calendar", we are informed that our acting-while-so-employed mayor Doug Thompson had earlier declared that next Wednesday shall be Shannon Tweed day, ostensibly because the fair Mrs. Simmons once lived here. Of course, in true Canadian small-time politician fashion, once a little resistance to this intelligent proposal emerged, he backed down quicker than a fat lady climbing up a waterslide. Sayeth Mister Mayor, "To be honest, I really didn't know who she was."

One wonders then why he would name a day after her?

One also wonders why certain Ottawans insist that this city is actually more than a petty little town that couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. In the same article, we are informed that "the city has...also proclaimed World Hypnotism Day and Laughter Day."

All meaningless and harmless events to be sure, but what's the point? Let's stop the distractions and start fixing Ottawa, beginning with the roads, the dangerous drivers, and the inefficient bus service.

Hey! I get it! Shannon Tweed Day "stripped" off the calendar! HAHA! Why you CBC punsters! She's been "stripped" off the calendar as a reference to her days as a nude model. I totally get it! Well done CBC. No wonder you're the top news agency in the world!

NDP and International Womens' Rights? Only if there are votes in it, innit?

2009-06-12T19:47:00.005-04:00

So I was perusing my favourite authoritative newspaper today, and therein was a little ditty about MuammarGaddafi, just a Libyan Dic doin' the best he can.

It would seem that "Gaddy" likes his bodyguards with more than just the usual muscular bumps. He likes them with estrogen. Not only that, he insists that they be virgins. Now isn't that spayshul?

As the NOW points out, "The all female bodyguards, along with their khaki uniforms and red berets, wear lipstick, jewellery, and even high heels - but are trained in armed co mbat.

All 40 guards are virgins, and he insists they remain so."

So this must be a dilemma for the lefty feminists of the NDP and other such parties (whatever they are). On the one hand, these women aren't being treated like chattel, which the NDP never protests anyway, so they can breathe a sigh of relief over that one - nothing to see here folks; yet, on the other hand, they are dressed like virginistic securo-totty, which would enrage the feministas if it were to happen here.

But there's the rub: it's not happening here, there are no votes in it, and most of all the RIGHT tends to be anti-Gaddafi - so there you have it.

Who in the Canadian media will notice this?

Nooobody!

Idiot, Thy Name is Canadian

2009-05-31T21:32:00.009-04:00

Here's another groundbreaking study by our "National" newspaper, the Mop & Pail.

Apparently, drinking a lot leads to drinking a lot. The title proclaims "Regular drinkers at risk of binge boozing".

OMFG, really?

And just in case one is inclined to overlook the shocking headline, the subtitle reads, "All genders and age groups at risk, Canadian study says."

And, get this, the McGill squad of highly-qualified academia also discovered that "...women tend to drink less than men."

Thank you Globe and Mail.

The article also tells us that Ms. Demers (one of the geniuses who received money to travel and investigate the obvious) was in Norway, and was discussing Canadian drinkers with her Norwegian hosts: "'They were looking at me and they did not understand,' she said of the Norwegians, noting she told them Canadians drink moderately and don't often get intoxicated."

I had this silly notion that Canadians do get intoxicated. But thankfully Ms Demers (whoever she is) has laid that myth to rest (while gently inferring that Norwegians are not quite so up to snuff as we Canucks are). God bless academia eh?

For anyone who bemoans the lack of journalistic rigour that seems to be prevalent in most of our media these days, this is not an unusual article. The average Canadian (assuming he or she even reads a newspaper) will accept this "study" as some kind of proof that drinking is bad, then turn around and open a highly-taxed beer.

For those of us who are actually awake, we'll tuck this apparently meaningless article away in the recesses of our pea-brains. Then when the state (à la Dalton McGuinty) decides to protect us from ourselves in one of its initiatives meant to distract from any real issues like health care, we may notice that this is one of the many "studies" used to impose any number of controlling measures upon we the sheepulace, all for our own protection.

As my friend "Chris" pointed out - the last line in the article sums it up. But the academics don't get it.

Track and Field Will Kill Your Child

2009-05-20T21:20:00.001-04:00

This is not a new story - it's several weeks old after all - but as a concerned and caring parent I think we need to pull our collective head out of the proverbial sand and admit that our children run the risk of dying at the hands of out of control gun-wielding gym teachers.

According to a moderate and intelligent website, the fact that starter pistols are used to, um, start races is an affront to all that is decent and Canadian. Why, just the "symbolism" of a pistol at a track meet could very well lead our little angels and angelfishies to a life of crime, degradation, and maybe even - gasp - conservatism!

As is noted in the well written and objective article, "...the movement to ban the gun because of its deadly symbolism includes someone who literally has pulled the trigger to start foot races for thousands of high school athletes across Ontario."

My heart stopped when I read this shocking news. Well not literally stopped; or I'd be an ex-parrot. I just felt so sorry for this poor fellow who has to live with the fact that he LITERALLY (as opposed to figuratively, one would suppose) pulled the trigger - on thousands of high school athletes! Isn't that tantamount to Possibly Literal Trackicide?

Symbolism: what a terrible burden to bear.

What heroes these "men" are for owning up to their misdeeds. Firing toy guns to start a race, then having the moral fibre to confess (years later), that what they did was tantamount to symbolic murder!

"'We don't need people standing around with (pistols) - those days are done,' said Brian Keaveney, a former teacher and an internationally ranked starter who has his own pistol."

Wow. What a hero. A round of Medals of Bravery for my frenzzzzzz!

Yes, yes, I know. I make the jokes and we all laugh, because "making the jokes" is a good way of avoiding discussion of the subject. And avoiding any discussion about serious issues is the Canadian way.

Who wants to bet that by this time next year Dalton will have banned these pistols, and nobody will have said a bloody word? He did it with pesticides, the 0.05% blood alcohol limit, and the health tax.

Ontarians are the dullest dullards to be found this side of Quahog.

The Superiority of Canadians

2009-05-14T15:20:00.018-04:00

After a week away from Ottawa, I've had a chance to see how the other half lives. By "other half" I'm referring to people outside of Ottawa. My "friend John" knows I'm hard on my city and critical of the people who are a drain upon it (i.e. the citizens who don't vote, the voters who vote for the same incompetent boobs year after year (Bob Monette excepted), and the incompetent boobs who are elected year after year - Bob Monette excepted).

So I was pleasantly surprised to meet nothing but friendly people when I was in Sarnia this week. It's a working class town that seems to be chock-a-block full of kind, polite and talkative people. This compared to the usual Ottawan who is rude, inconsiderate and mute when spoken to. Yes I'm generalizing, but without generalizations, assumptions would lose their appeal wot!

So like I'm in Toronto to catch the train back to Ottawa, and am directed to wait in the Panorama "Lounge". Apparently it's a first class facility for those who are travelling Via 1 (the Canadian Peoples' Railway's version of first class).

So like I'm in the lounge, minding my own beeswax, and it is standing room only for those who are privileged to enjoy the perks of travelling Via 1 (second to none!). (I guess they haven't figured out that if you have 40 seats in a lounge, and there are four trains leaving at about the same time, each with about 40 passengers in the Via 1 car alone, there may be a bit of an overflow.) Oh well, what can you do eh? We're lucky to be Canadian so let's have a free tomato juice!

So like anyway, I'm surrounded by SHATs (Standard High Achiever Torontonians) who elbow each other out of the way to get to the free coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages. I imagine it would be bedlam if they had booze. Thank God we Canadians have made drinking almost illegal.

Across from my hard-won seat is a French Canadian couple (not that there's anything wrong with that). He, trashingly resplendent in his jeans, white socks, Nike shoes and a 27-year-old leather jacket; she, alluringly ugly in her 34-year-old Harley Davidson jacket, jeans and Nike shoes (wow, they have the same shoes!). Her trousers have two-inch slits up the outside of both legs, with strips of material holding the pants together. The white puffy flesh of her jambes pokes out of the openings, and is speckled with cellulite, which increases in size as one's gaze moves upward. Her oily hair is tied back, revealing a flabby visage blotted with Mr. Limpet-style lips, and bulbous eyes that remind one of Sir Winston Churchill.

A RIP (Really Important Canadian) SHAT strides in purposefully, cell phone attached to his ear, and stressed to the max. He plunks himself down and says, to nobody in particular, "Damn train to Montreal is delayed by at least 30 minutes. Some asshole got himself killed on the tracks, so we'll be late!"

No one looks up from their complimentary Toronto Stars and coin-machine lattes.

Yep, Canadians sure are better than Americans.

Ban Everything European

2009-05-05T20:27:00.000-04:00

OK, now I'm really miffed (when the kiddies aren't looking, substitute a "p" for the "m" and a "s" for the "f").

The wonderfully progressive Euroweenies have decided that it would be wonderfully thoughtful of them to ban all products from the Canadian seal "slaughter".

OK fair enough. So, let's see:

Force feeding geese until their livers burst so we can spread their luscious creamy foie gras on lovely crispy little Parisian toasties, is OK;
Exhausting a bull in the middle of an arena, then stabbing him (or her) slowly to death in front of a crowd of screaming Spaniards drinking day-old Rioja, is OK;
Amputating frogs' legs and leaving them to beg in the streets of Dijon with nothing but a mustard plaster, is OK;
Killing dogs for food in Korea is OK.

(Alright, so Korea isn't in the EU. But it could be! I'm just trying make a point ovah hear!)

Anyway, what rankles is the singling out of Canada as a barbaric nation that engages in cruel treatment of a certain type of animal (the harp seal, in case you lost track).

As Bruno Waterfield points out, the issue is not animal cruelty (because after all, the Canadian seal hunt is not a cruel endeavour - that's a myth); it's about votes and stupid people voting for stupid European power-mad parliamentarians.

But what rankles more is the lack of anger from Canadians. So once again, we deserve any negative fallout from this ill-informed move, because we don't fight back.

As for me and my family, we're banning all European products from now on (except of course for the Swedish masseuse, the Spanish nanny, and the Croatian dalmatian).

Winner Declared in Liberal Leadership Contest!!

2009-05-03T20:46:00.003-04:00

Wow!

Who woulda thunkit?

A guy named Michael Ignatieff is now the next Prime Minister of Canada!

What tension, what drama!

One wonders what the outcome of the ballots was. How did the other guys/gals make out (not in that way - they're Liberals)? Who came second? Who could have been a contenda?

I must calm meself. The papers will give us all the gory details tomorrow. How delish!

I LOVE CANADIAN POLITICS!

Stop Panicking! Dalton McGuinty Says All is Well!

2009-04-29T20:17:00.002-04:00

"First of all, stay calm," McGuinty said. "There's a real concern here, there's no doubt about that, but it's not a cause for undue alarm."

Well that's good enough for me. If Dalton says something, it has to be true.

Help Me Dalton!

2009-04-29T19:15:00.000-04:00

Not only is the swine flue killing everyone in Ontario, but we read in the news today that our ash trees are infested with a killer bug!

The Emerald Ash Borer is a busy little fellow (and fellette - no offence intended to the feminist beetle community). He/she is busy laying eggs in our ashes, and apparently the larvae are not good for the trees' quality of life; i.e. they die.

According to today's Ottawa Citizen, "There is no known practical way of stopping the bug, and if one isn't found, all ash trees in the city - about 25 per cent of all trees - are expected to die in 10 to 15 years. About 90,000 property owners in the city will be affected. Government officials estimate 30 to 40 per cent of all trees in Eastern Ontario are ash, and will suffer the same fate."

The situation is so bad in the Ottawa/Hull area that a quarantine has been imposed by the Ontario Ministry of Agriculture. Under the Plant Protection Act we can't remove ashes from their habitat for fear of spreading the problem. Basically we can't go dragging our ashes about without begin fined by the ash protection squad. I only hope these lads and laddettes will also stop the beetles from leaving the quarantine area. I'm sure when the little borers see the quarantinos and their barbwire perimeter fences, they'll think twice before leaving their partner beetles and little larvae in search of a new piece of ash.

Wait! I'm told by my sources that there is a remedy! It's called Bayer Advanced Garden Tree and Shrub Insect Control! Hallelujah!

Whew! that was close.

Wait! I'm told by my sources that Mother Dalton banned all insecticides on Earth Day last week.

Oh well, as any Canadian will tell ya when faced with a situation he/she finds boring, "What can you do?"

Indeed. It's only 30-40 per cent of the trees in the province that are in danger. It's not as if it's 100 per cent! And losing all those trees is actually a small price to pay, if it means Dalton McGuinty remains steadfast and true as he leads his P.O.O.s (Peasants Of Ontario) into the treeless, plantless, and lawnless 21st Century.

Don't Try to Immigrate to Canada if You're an Obese PLANET KILLER!

2009-04-23T19:50:00.005-04:00

Who woulda thunk it? Not only are obese people more responsible than the svelte for KILLING THE PLANET, they will be doubly responsible if they the decide to take up residence in Canada.

A luminary from the Population Institute of Canada tells the Ottawa Citizen today that overweight immigrants will bring nothing with them but a heavy (hee hee) burden on the planet, thanks to the extra greenhouse gases they are responsible for producing.

I'm trying to think of something funny to say, but there's no need. This is hilarious stuff. Too bad so many Canadian sheep buy into this nonsense.

Happy St. George's Day! (He was no fatty.)

Calling all members of Mountain Equipment Co-op!

2009-04-22T19:35:00.008-04:00

What a week of achievement, and it's still only Hump Day!

This week the Swiss hosted the Durban 2 Jew Bashing Festival, Hitler and Lenin celebrated their birthdays, and fat people were told they were destroying the planet. And today we saw the usual gang of humourless limousine liberals beating their sculpted chests over Earth Day (Happy B-Day Vladimir!) and reminding their anxiety-laden schoolchildren to save the planet now or they'll all die.

To add to this week of noble pursuits and causes, it would seem that Mountain Equipment Co-op could be changing its business model. The purveyor of outdoorsy gear and garb is about to vote on taking a principled stand outside its purview of selling overpriced crap to unsuspecting snobs.

"How Happy? How? What principled stand might this be?", one might ask.

Well, one might answer that MEC, in all its wisdom, will "weigh in on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. A motion is expected to be presented next week at the retailer's annual general meeting in Vancouver, calling for a boycott of all products produced in Israel."

"We just don't think (Mountain Equipment Co-op) should be doing business with Israel until it changes its behaviour," said a well-educated BC teacher - ahem.

Now perhaps this vote may not go through, maybe it's all a tempest in a teapot and might be killed by common sense, but we can't sit by and let this happen. We must inform MEC that this is a disgusting and yes - un Canadian - stunt, especially from a business that claims to take the ethical high road in retail (if that means anything).

So please - help stop MEC now! Threaten to expose their loathsome behaviour and if you're a member, cancel your membership and spread the word to decent Canadians.

Start with the Ottawa branch!

What does a group of Tamil protesters and Dalton McGuinty have in common?

2009-04-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

NOTHING:

One is up front and honest about what it believes, whereas Dalton McGuinty is a disingenuous politician, who lies about tax increases and distracts the P.O.O. (Peasants Of Ontario) from important issues that he has no intention of dealing with in his lifetime (health care, the economy and education are just three little things that come to mind). Aside from raising taxes, Dalton's one "talent" is his obsession with bans - on things and certain types of behaviour - that he finds distasteful. (Of course, he'll tell us, in his trademark condescending way, that these control measures are all for the benefit of his P.O.O.)

This popped into my feeble little brain as I strode purposefully (and with alacrity, not to mention élan) down Wellington and Queen Streets this afternoon, surrounded by what seemed to be thousands of Tamil protesters returning to their homes and/or buses after their day on Parliament Hill.

I've been ranting to my friend about the way these protests have inconvenienced those who are trying to get around the downtown core; however, I will admit that the majority of protesters have been peaceful and respectful (if a little loud). Today there was a kind of carnival atmosphere as many were happily milling about, some in groups, others with their families, and most carrying Canadian flags. Now carrying a Canadian flag doesn't mean you're a great Canadian, and I haven't been in total agreement with what they've been doing; but they are not what I'd call an unruly mob of ne'er-do-wells looking for trouble. (Unlike, say, um, left wing - and usually white - "anarchists" who get violent at G20 summits, then when they're tired go home to rich mummy and daddy's for a nice cuppa.... But I digest.)

So I go home, kiss the life partner (with alacrity I must say), and turn on CJOH News at 6 for my dose of Max Keeping and the lady who seems embarrassed all the time. And there's the reminder that the ban on pesticides is fast approaching. So my thoughts turn once again to our loving Mother McGuinty.

"Our generation has taken to the cosmetic use of pesticide and I think that perhaps unwittingly, not realizing the dangers it represents to ourselves and most importantly to our children," our Benevolent Leader said. He makes these pronouncements in that annoying way that reminds his P.O.O. that he is the only good parent in Ontario, or possibly in all of Canada, or even the Planet (which he will show us how to save BTW). As Marni Soupcoff points out, cosmetic pesticides are approved for use by none other than Health Canada. Booze, ciggies and sleeping pills are worse for "our kids". So facts be damned. Just keep the P.O.O. on their toes!

So here is a plea to our Tamil-Canadian protesters. Please stay in Ottawa and switch the focus of your protests to include all things banned by Mother Dalton the Compassionate. I'll join you and march with pride (and alacrity), on the pesticide-free and grub-laden lawn of Parliament Hill.

I'd Walk a Mile for a Tamil (4)

2009-04-20T19:55:00.000-04:00

So if you were a Tamil Canadian, impressing the hell out of your fellow citizens by blocking traffic in the nation's capital (the other capital, not the Quebec one), how would you welcome "your" Prime Minister home? Maybe you'd try increasing the number of protesters by a huge amount to make Ottawans even less sympathetic to your cause?

Well, kids, it looks like they'll be doing just that tomorrow. As the CTV website reports, "Organizers are predicting as many as 25,000 people in their ranks on Tuesday to coincide with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's return from the Summit of the Americas..."

This editorial hits the nail on the head.

For those bleeding hearts who are whinging that there are more important issues at stake than traffic - think again. The issue here is that whilst there may indeed be some residual sympathy for the oppressed Tamil population in Sri Lanka, their fellow (now Canadian) Tamils do them no favours by parading on Parliament Hill bearing the flags of a terrorist organization (the Tamil Tigers), and spilling out onto our roads to bring our city to a standstill. It is indeed an insult to the country that has welcomed these protesters and helped them establish lives in a safe and pseudo-democratic nation.

So to all you protesters (and their NDP supporters), stop the hunger strikes, get rid of the LTTE flags alongside MY Canadian flag, and then maybe we normal selfish Ottawans will pay your cause a little more respect.

Go Bruins!

Easter SEALS to the Rescue

2009-04-14T19:34:00.007-04:00

Hallelujah lawdy lawdy lawdy and Hallelujah again!

The US Navy has sent three Somali pirates packing in a decisive (let's hope not isolated) victory for the forces of goodness and niceness over evilness and badness.

Obama finally authorized something that makes sense, and needed doing at a time when the rest of the civilized world (except France - God bless 'em) has pretty much let these pirates run amok in the waters off East Africa. Yes I know, NATO and other countries have ships patrolling, but it does a redneck's heart proud to see some of these criminals taken out but fer good.

And despite their bluster and threats that Americans will be in ever more danger, these brigands will probably think twice before they stop a US-registered ship to check out the merchandise.

To paraphrase a famous Monty Python sketch (inserted words in italics - my apologies to the parrot):

“This pirate is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the plank 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PIRATE!!”

Good news for the ex-pirates is that Marilyn Chambers has just kicked it as well, so when they all arrive at the Pearly Gates, or the Green Door, whichever the case, maybe she can take their minds off their failed venture? I'm just sayin'...

Anyway, well done US Navy and well done the boat's crew!

I'd Walk a Mile for a Tamil (3)

2009-04-09T18:20:00.003-04:00

I just watched the local CBC TV news and saw that there was a bit of a scuffle at the protest. The report mentioned that "one woman was injured". Another young(ish) woman claimed that a policeman pushed The Aforementioned Woman's head to make her back off. The young(ish) woman added that The Aforementioned Woman's nose was broken and there was blood everywhere.

Maybe that's true and if so that's too bad. But what do you think will be the main story tomorrow? "Police break elderly woman's nose"? Not that there is an illegal protest, nor that traffic was gridlocked, nor that this is pretty much turning into an illegal blockade.

Meanwhile, on CFRA radio, three city councillors were grilled by some guy named Rob Snow about the inaction of the police. Seems that the chief is away and nobody is too worried. The general attitude of these elected officials was along the lines of, "If Ottawans are upset, they need to say so to the police, not to the elected council." Only one councillor (a Bob Monette) seemed to be on the ball.

Oh, well. What can ya do eh? What's on the telly tonight luv?

Happy Passover/Easter!

I'd Walk a Mile for a Tamil (2)

2009-04-09T11:13:00.006-04:00

Welcome to Day 3 of the Tamil protests.

Wellington Street (a main thoroughfare in Ottawa) is still closed for bidness. Many people are inconvenienced, and many are prevented from getting to work on time.

Assuming you have the correct cause, shutting down a street in Ottawa to protest is now perfectly legal. Police and city officials will allow this, unlike the neanderthals of yesteryear who believed in law and order, equal rights, etc. WARNING: Don't try to play street hockey, as that is illegal in Ottawa.

Oh well, as Ottawans say, "What can you do? It's no use complaining."

Yes, indeed. Complaining is so negative and like wrong. And voting out incompetent boobs who allow their citizens to be trod upon (see OC Transpo Strike) is like really really hard and takes time and like makes you get off your behind and like walk all the way down the street to like vote.

The usual care-nothing-do-nothing Canadians change the subject and say that the protest is necessary and legitimate. Fine. I support anyone's right to protest anytime they want. This is still a pseudo-democratic country after all. But do it on Parliament Hill; don't shut down my streets. It's not a parade.

The upside: OC Transpo has just pulled 40 brand new buses off the streets for unexpected maintenance, so the crappy service will be masked by the traffic problems caused by the protests.

I’d walk a mile for a Tamil

2009-04-08T18:55:00.003-04:00

Indeed, many happy Ottawans did just that yesterday and today.

I was happily nestled in the back seat of my eastbound OC Hellspo Red Rocket yesterday afternoon, enjoying the sights of the global-warming-produced April snow falling on our fair town. Suddenly I noticed in the oncoming lane the westbound queue of buses that extended at least a mile' There they were, like a parade of environmentally sound elephants (one a double decker!!), stopped bumper to bumper on the Transitway, waiting for someone to allow them to proceed.

According to some reports, waiting for (and in) buses became such an ordeal that people were walking from downtown to Hurdman Station; which is quite the trek, especially with the miserable weather we’ve been having.

A few of the usual grouchy (i.e. people who give a damn) talk show callers were upset last night, complaining that is going to hell in a handcart and nobody is in charge.

And how did our police respond? They pretty much told us that we should be prepared for more of the same today!

And guess what happened sho nuff? We got more of the same today!

Nothing was said about the illegality of bringing traffic to a standstill during rush hour. Just that we have to be patient.

Pray tell, Ottawa brain trust (whoever you are), would you allow anyone else to shut down Wellington Street?

And life goes on in this sleepy little apathetic (emphasis on the pathetic) village.

Dalton McGuinty Soothes Italians in Their Time of Need

2009-04-06T19:51:00.005-04:00

Well, our fearless leader is out there again performing his heroics for the benefit - not only of his slopehead Ontario subjects (no offence to slopeheads) - but for the good citizens of Italia as well!

Here’s what the Great One stayed up all night writing then posting on his website:

“Ontarians were saddened to learn of the devastating earthquake in Italy. I spoke today with the Consul General of Italy in Toronto to express our concern and condolences on behalf of all Ontarians.

At this time, our deepest sympathies go out to those who have lost loved ones, and our thoughts and prayers are with those who are worried for the safety of family and friends.

Ontario has deep and enduring ties to Italy and its people. To the many families who have loved ones in this area, we offer our most sincere support to you during this time.

There will be difficult days ahead as rescue workers search for survivors, as communities rebuild and as families re-establish their lives. On behalf of all Ontarians, let us each offer whatever assistance we can to relief agencies and show our support in this time of great need.”

Hey Italy! We got your backs!

I can just picture the Italian Consul General, tears of gratitude streaming down his face, as Dalton consoles him over the phone. Then I can imagine the email from said C-G to Silvio Berlusconi (how many Ontarians even know who he is?), and more tears and hand-gesticulating as they agree that 'Daltonio McGuintio' is a saint of the highest order.

Honestly, is there anyone out there besides me who thinks this guy is a sleazeball of the highest order? I mean really, McGuilty has as much class as Peter Griffin, only Dalton actually takes himself seriously.

If I wasn’t living in Ontario I’d find him amusing. But he’s not. He imposes ruinous economic policies, punitive taxes, breaks promises, allows the health care system to rot, then keeps us peons distracted with his empty initiatives and announcements. This is just another meaningless gesture of his, aimed at taking the focus off his lack of constructive action on the big issues facing this province.

I hope to God (no offence) that Randy Hillier takes over as PC leader. Only he can stop the insanity that McGuinty has wrought upon this province. (Of course, Randy will have to find a way to get the DOVs (Dullard Ontario Voters) out of their stupor; rousing a slothful Ontarian is a very difficult thing to do (unless you raise their cable rates by 15 cents a month – then you’re axin’ fer trubble!!).

Dalton for the Order of Canada

2009-04-03T18:05:00.008-04:00

Reading Blue Like You's comments reminded me (yet again, unfortunately) of our premier's disregard for the people of Ontario. Why would he impose a tax on funerals and books for the blind?

Moot points anyway, because the dullard Ontario voters will never chuck this guy out of office; therefore Ontario deserves what it's getting. He'll probably get an Order of Canada down the road.

And lest we forget, don't miss the chance to relive some fond memories from the last election, of our very own kind and compassionate Dalton looking out for the little guy. Take your pick - they're all wonderful!

Hedy Days

2009-04-01T18:00:00.017-04:00

So today I'm watching Politics with Don Newman (one of the few CBC TV shows worth watching) and who shows up on the "braaaaaaawwdcast" but Hedy! My favourite doctor! (Well, actually, Ruby Dhalla is my favourite, but Hedy's much sillier and therefore better for the ratings.) So I axes myself what are the chances that I'd be thinking about Hedy two days in a row? Er, um, usually none.

Anyway, the topic du jour today was the proposed Afghan legislation that will allow husbands to "have their way with their wives" and forbid them from leaving the house alone, etc. When I heard the news this morning my first thoughts were of the lefties who will crawl out of the woodwork to express their outrage at this turn of events (despite having kept pretty silent about all the other injustices that women suffer worldwide at the hands of tyrants, dictators, intolerant societies, etc.).

Well sure enough both Hedy Fry ("Your Member of Parliament") and Dawn Black were preaching at Don and his loyal viewers that Canada had to do something about this terrible turn of events, it's an outrage that women over there are being treated this way, and so on and yadda yadda.

Now, I'm not one for telling another country how to run its affairs, but if we disagree with the way women are treated (and we should) , we should make clear our misgivings to the Afghan government.

However, where were these two fine defenders of women in the past? I'm not saying that the Dippers and Libs have been completely silent on the issue of womens' rights overseas, but I don't remember them being as vocal about this issue until today.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that they're waking up now because Canada supports the Afghan government in its struggle to make Afghanistan a better and safer place. I'm sure these MPs are 100% sincere in their protests and will continue to scream from the rooftops next time we hear about women in Saudi Arabia or Darfur being ill treated. God bless 'em both (no offense).

Yep, and my father's the king of France.

It’s Hedy, not Hedley!

2009-04-01T08:59:00.004-04:00

MEDIA RELEASE - Fry calls for urgent action on Snow Sport Helmet Safety!!

Boy, if only Hedy Fry were as funny as Harvey Korman was in Blazing Saddles, then we wouldn’t be able to poke fun at loony Liberals. And that would diminish all of us just a little as Canadians.

In her press release of 19 March, “The Honourable Dr. Hedy Fry, Member of Parliament for Vancouver-Centre and a physician” (wow, she’s not only a physician, but she plays one in Parliament!), basically calls upon the federal government to mandate obligatory helmet wearing for skiers. She effectively blames Stephen Harper for any more injuries or deaths on the slopes if her private member’s bill (introduced in March 2007) is not fast-tracked. “The recent serious brain injuries on Canada's ski slopes are tragic reminders that these brain injuries are preventable. A simple stroke of the pen by the Harper Cabinet is all that it takes. The inexplicable failure to do so is nothing short of irresponsible,” said Dr. Fry.

Because, like, I guess it’s really urgent to get it through now, especially before summer melts all the snow.

What a Canadian Heroine (or is the feminization of the word “hero” offensive?). Freedom of speech, the economy, or whatever we silly conservatives think is important is not as important as this! And this coming from the physician/MP who so judiciously said in Parliament that crosses were burning on the lawns of Prince George BC “as we speak”.

Skiing is a sport for those who have a bit of money, so they are presumably well-edumacated enough to know that a helmet might – might – prevent some injuries. But if they make a choice (and I think Hedy has always proclaimed her pro-choicery) not to protect their crania and they put their lives at risk so be it. Cull that thar herd!

And speaking of important causes for the politicians to get their knickers in a knot over, yesterday’s editorial in the National Post (“Three cheers for fast-acting pols”) shows us that where there’s a will in the Beaches neighbourhood of Toronto, there’s a way to git ‘er done for the people!

WHY YOU I OUGHTTA…

2009-03-29T14:53:00.006-04:00

Angst Alert! Canada in danger!

The CBC, in what appears to be a fit of pique, will curtail some of its TV “product” because the big bad government isn’t giving them more money to waste on programs nobody watches. Pravda-Canada is so put out by its lot in life that it is laying off people and cutting programming. That’ll show us, eh?

Not only will it cut its television programming, but it will axe some radio shows as well. According to the CBC website:

“Canadians can also expect to see more repeats of many prime-time programs, with shorter seasons ordered for ones including:

The Border.
This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
Being Erica.
Little Mosque on the Prairie.

The CBC will also reduce spending on new children's programming and cancel the Living programs produced in each region.”

This Hour Has 22 Minutes used to be funny, but isn’t anymore. They try too hard and are only Canadian inasmuch as they have that annoying tendency to be anti-American. As for the other shows, time to jag them in lads and laddettes. I don’t know anyone (and I’m a really popular guy/gal) who watches CBC other than for the news or hockey. And speaking of which:

“In CBC Sports, there will be reductions or cutbacks in coverage of:

International figure skating.
CONCACAF Champions League soccer.
World aquatics.
World athletics.
Skiing.

The CBC will also drop its Blue Jays baseball telecasts.”

So the nations of Canada and Quebec will lose their sense of identity because Blue Jays games will be dropped?

Yep, that’ll show us! Keep those cutbacks coming Mother Corp. I’d rather watch Jeopardy anyway.

Oh and BTW, the CBC coverage last night of Earth Hour was hilarious! It was a little embarrassing to watch Ian Hanomansing stumbling about unsuccessfully trying to sell the “world-changing” non-event as if it were New Year’s Eve in Times Square. Meanwhile, reading the twitters scroll across the bottom of the screen was fine entertainment. “I’m waiting to turn my lights off”, wrote one twit at about 8:27PM; he/she couldn’t take the initiative to turn the lights off before CBC told him/her too? That’s so Canadian!

HMCS EZRA LEVANT

2009-03-27T19:51:00.010-04:00

In his National Post column yesterday, Fr Raymond J. de Souza summarized the battle Ezra Levant’s been waging on our behalf for the past two years. It’s a must-read piece, as is Ezra’s just-released book “Shakedown” (apparently my wife is getting it for me as a surprise prezzie!).

Unfortunately, hardly anyone outside those who are well informed – the vast minority of Canadians in my experience – is aware of what’s been going on; even though it’s been increasingly reported in the media of late (thanks again in large part to the good ship Ezra).

In my circle of friends, colleagues and family, about the only people who follow the travesty that is Canada’s “Human Rights” Commissions are my wife and children, a few workmates, and my friends “John”, “John”, “Rusty”, “Willis”, “Papa-Dum” and “Chip”.

To me that’s the most frustrating bit: wilfully ignorant Canadians, who, even if they do grant you a few minutes out of their busy schedules making money to buy stuff and having other people raise their kids, will often accuse you of making this stuff up. And then, even if they do believe you, they’ll retreat into their comfort zone of “keeping it positive” or “what can you do-ism”.

As for Fr. de Souza's HMCS EZRA LEVANT idea, I am all for naming our ships after Canadian figures of worth – real Canadians. Not after rogue PMs like Trudeau; or Canadian “elites” who have received the Hors d’Oeuvres of Canada (Morgentaler and Ahenakew to name but two notables); but brave stalwart people who’ve advanced, at their own risk and expense, important causes for Canadians – in this case freedom of speech.

Ezra Levant (and indeed Mark Steyn) should be lauded everywhere as praiseworthy figures who have had a positive influence on Canadian society, by working tirelessly to save Canada from the disgusting personages and government bodies (our friendly HRCs), who would have us all thrown in jail for speaking our minds.

A ship name is a great place to start!

Oh and BTW, why is the Canadian government (i.e. PARLIAMENT) not doing anything about the “illiberal corruption of our human rights bureaucracy”, as Father de Souza so aptly puts it?

And why is Ezra Levant not being covered by the CBC and other mainstream media like the Globe and Mail and the Toronto Star?

Of course we all know the answer…

Driving Missus Ottawan

2009-03-22T16:36:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, my lovely wife Windemere and I were tired of the children and their incessant whinging for food and shelter, so we decided to go for a drive outside the city limits.

Adventurous we may be, but we left the safety of Inner Ottawa with some trepidation. We were concerned about what we might discover outside the city’s boundaries. Will there be banditos? Rapists? Usurpers? Pretenders? Will we come across a highwayman?

Well that last fear was short-lived, as we drove east towards Rockland on the “highway”. The roads were so terrible that Windemere’s bladder was sloshing about like a half-empty ballast tank experiencing free surface effect. Thank God (no offence to the Globe & Mail Gary Goodyear Haters) that we don’t sport dentures, or they would not only have been floatin’, they’d a been shaken loose!

So instead of looking at the wonderful scenery I spent much of the afternoon doing the slalom routine as I dodged crater-sized potholes, and as Windermere shouted out the various houses that were for sale.

But the ice cream was good! (We stopped at a Quebec style “Bar Laitier” and it brought back memories of, um, Quebec. Why can’t you find these things in Ottawa? It’s either DQ or Baskin & Robbins, where the service is crap most of the time.)

So we rattled our way home after having shaken the bejezus out of our poor mini-van. I couldn’t help but wonder if the citizens of this village will ever demand better services from our city? Why are the roads of the nation’s capital so third worldish?

Stupid questions, I realized. Because when you ask that of most people around here, they’re always quick with an excuse. “Well you know, it’s worse in Cambodia.” “Well of course the roads are bad, because we live in a northern climate.” “Well the reason they don’t spend money on the roads is because they have none.” And on and on.

But we can get free trees from the city to plant in our yards!

A culture of excuses seems to be the Canadian way. Don’t question or complain. Stay positive and believe in your government(s). “There’s nothing you can do so why bother?”

Bloody Lovely.

On a POSITIVE NOTE: Happy Birthday Captain!!

"Journalism" at its best

2009-03-21T20:12:00.006-04:00

I caught this while perusing the Canadian Cynic's blog ("excellent" by lefty standards).

It's a little segment on Fox news entitled "Red Eye", with a guy named Greg Gutfeld. I've watched Fox News in the US of A from time to time (can't get it here - probably banned by Dalton); and I find it a refreshing change from the normal pap on CNN and the other left leaning networks.

So watch this video, have your feelings hurt, but remember these guys are just a bunch of clowns who aren't expected to know anything. Kind of like Jon Stewart on the other side of the spectrum, and just as banal.

"How to lose friends and alienate countries."

Situation Normal – All Phoqued Up

2009-03-19T20:01:00.003-04:00

Before anyone gets offended and calls the “Human Rights” busybodies, phoque means “seal” in our second official language (whatever that is). And I’m not talking about a seal of approval, but the cute little things that Europeans love to courageously defend by boycotting Canadian goods. Even though clubbing of baby seals has been illegal for years and happens less than 10% of the time (and I’m being generous), those zany Old Worlders still maintain that we go around killing the little white fuzzy cuties willy-nilly.

Why, just the other day a bunch of brave Spaniards (and good looking to boot) in Madrid got all naked-like and covered themselves in fake blood in the city square, as a protest against us evil Canadian murderers. (I guess slowly goring bulls to death in the bullfighting ring is not as bad as what they perceive to be happening over here.) Oh well, they’re European so it goes without saying that they have the proper perspective: Let’s not only go out of our way to defend animals, but let’s withdraw our troops from Afghanistan after being threatened by terrorists; after all, we’re only helping out the people of Afghanistan, who are evidently worth less to Europeans than baby seals are.

But I digest.

Back in Canada, there was a lovely little kerfuffle in Halifax last Saturday when a Metro Transit bus driver decided to do a bit of "seal clubbing" of his own. And for that ladies and germs, he gets the HAPPY OTTAWAN HERO OF THE WEEK AWARD.

Don’t take my word for it, read all about it at: http://thechronicleherald.ca/Front/1111789.html.

Oh and The Mop and Pail (our NATIONAL newspaper doncha know) basically printed the same story, but left out the bits that showed that not everyone was “shocked” or “outraged” or “scared”.

But then again, that would provide "balance", wot? http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090317.SEAL17/TPStory/National

Happy clubbing!

If you're not circumcised you're killing the planet

2009-03-18T21:49:00.007-04:00

Who knew that circumcised men were actually saving the planet?

Here's a shocking revelation out of Australia:

Dr. Paul Cowie, an Adelaide GP, says, "We will save many litres of water if more men were circumcised because there would be less fiddling in the shower to keep it clean."

I sincerely hope Elizabeth May and her Green Party get circumcised for the next election. They'll "sew up" the Catholic and Jewish vote fer sure!

Read all about it at: http://www.borderwatch.com.au/archives/2540#ixzz09vQIbcSy

Spwing has Spwung

2009-03-18T21:13:00.006-04:00

I have the privilege of living in a house with a bus stop on the front lawn. It’s a mixed blessing: Neither I nor my wonderfully gifted children (my trophy femme “doesn’t do” buses) have to travel far to catch a ride with OC Hellspo; on the other hand, we get to see countless others using our property as a garbage bin.

So as part of the spring ritual, which includes watching the dog turd layers reveal themselves as the snow melts (we like to calculate the date the dogs pooped on the lawn – kind of like counting the rings of a tree trunk!), we get to see what our fellow citizens have so generously left for us to pick up.

This morning I found two pop cans, two empty beer bottles, a bunch of tags from different articles of stolen clothing, and various wrappers from chips, chocolate bars etc. These items were left all over our lawn by poor misunderstood yoots. Who are the victims here? They are! If we had more government-funded social programs and mandatory daycare for everyone then all yoots would be well mannered and wouldn’t litter.

Jack Layton and Olivia Newton Chow for PM and first lassie (respectively)!!

Is That A Stapler in Your Pocket?

2009-03-09T19:50:00.000-04:00

It would appear that the Braidwood inquiry into the taser death of Robert Dziekanski has made the RCMP appear a little less than heroic.

Anyone who’s been following this sorry spectacle is either hanging their head in shame or laughing (see links below) at our boys in crimson – sorry, and girls (mustn’t neglect the ladies this soon after International Women’s Day!).

So four strapping mounties cannot subdue a man with a stapler. Is it just me or are there other Canadians whose chests won’t be swelling with pride the next time they see a Mountie in his/her dress uniform? A guy with a stapler?

I am a staunch supporter of our cops, and our military, and I can’t stand anyone who bashes cops as a hobby; however, what has got me fuming (and my friend "John" as well) is the fact that these cops appeared to try to cover the incident up. Only when a private citizen’s video became public did the event receive public airing; then they tried to claim they were in danger! So not only do they appear to be dishonest, but they appear to be cowards as well.

I’d love to give them the benefit of the doubt, but in this case it’s nigh on impossible.

The upside: Ontario’s police are on the hunt for smoking parents in cars while violence in our city streets just keeps getting better.

http://www.thestarphoenix.com/RCMP+attempts+deflect+blame+hurt+officers/1360708/story.html

http://www2.canada.com/vancouvercourier/news/letters/story.html?id=5295151d-c13c-4089-8f87-26f552ad23a8

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=1363164

The Kindness of a Dalton

2009-02-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Family Day in the greatest have-not province Confederation has ever seen.

Coincidentally, this holiday, created by our ever-so-caring premier Mother Dalton McGuinty, was concurrent with the beginning of Kindness Week here in our fair city.

What could be more appropriate? Who is kinder than Dalton McGuinty? Remember his health tax that he promised would never happen? (Oops sorry, it’s a premium and not a tax – go back to sleep my fellow somnambulant citizens).

Anyway, I thought back to the last election campaign when he was doing a walkabout at a hospital. When Dalton tried to shake a man’s hand, the man refused and said, “I've got cancer and you’re not helping any.” Remember Dalton’s reaction? He replied offhandedly, “Oh that’s not true. That’s not true.” He and his wife continued their casual stroll with the hospital director (or whatever he was) as if nothing happened.

So that’s kindness à la Dalton. Instead of stopping in his tracks and expressing sympathy, or trying to convince the man he would try to help him, this paragon of virtue walks away and plays to the cameras.

Let’s not forget what this guy is really about: spin, distracting the herd of dozy Ontarians from real issues, and maintaining power.

Oops - sorry! I forgot, we’re Canadians and we don't “do politics”. Because that would be “negative”.

HAPPY KINDNESS WEEK FELLOW CITIZENS!

Thank You For Family Day Dalton McGuinty!

2009-02-16T19:43:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Dalton McGuinty, we Ontarinos are today benefitting from Family Day, our newest statutory holiday.

While sitting at my office spending time with the photo of my family, I took a moment to reflect upon what Mother McGuinty has done for us besides merely declaring a well-received day off.

When I started thinking about what he has courageously banned (all for our benefit), it became apparent that EVERYTHING he’s done is aimed at making life better for Ontario Families.

Herewith a list of things he’s forbidden in his all-too-so-short tenure as Premier, along with the reason why each measure benefits every family:

Things Banned by Mother Dalton McGuinty

1. Buck a beer. Good for the family because it encourages Dads to drink less.

2. Lawn chemicals. Good for the family because it allows parents to spend less time with their children outdoors playing on dangerous chemical-laced lawns; instead they are all safely inside - as a family - in front of their individual PCs or TVs.

3. Trans fats in schools. Family comes first here, as Trans fats outside the home are much worse than the trans-fats in processed foods that busy on-the-go families are forced to serve their children.

4. Incandescent bulbs. Good for families because bright (incandescent) bulbs discourage blindness. Blindness is a laudable goal, as it forces families to depend on each other, and in an ideal situation, maybe even get a dog!

5. Riding a bike without a helmet. Families will no longer be racked by grief when one of their kids gets killed by a car while not wearing a helmet. Death will be easier accepted because of the knowledge that little Johnny was wearing his CCM special. And closure will come more quickly. Oh, and the family will save money on grief counsellors!

6. Cigarette displays in corner stores. Good for families because it takes away the need for parents to survey their own children, thus helping them to focus on other things like making money (which is good for families).

7. New construction in the so called “green belt” area. Good for families because they can go to the green belt and frolic on days like Family Day (unless they work for the federal government, in which case they deserve not to have time off - the wastrels and lazy oafs/oafettes).

8. Pit bull dogs. Families benefit from this because their own ill-tempered little lapdogs and kids will never be mauled again. With pit bulls gone, there is no more danger whatsoever from any source whatsoever.

9. Plastic bags. Good for families who fear their children may suffocate when they place bags upon their heads. Not so good for those who wish this to happen, but they are in the minority (which is a collateral good for families).

10. Smoking in public places. What family in its right mind wants to smoke in a public place? By promoting clean air in public, evil smokers are kept out of sight and out of mind. At the same time, under-18s are allowed to smoke in designated areas at their school, which promotes mental health and allows teens to keep their entitlements. A very shrewd move by our Mother Dalton.

11. Smoking in cars with kids. Families will live longer thanks to this measure. Whereas before, when all children of smoking parents died very young from their evil parents’ second-hand smoke (yes, ALL of them); now there is no more danger! Children will now be ferried everywhere in a smoke-free environment, with their parents having the extra advantage of a free hand to use the cell phone, read a paper, or apply makeup. It’s a win-win for the whole family!

12. Flavoured cigarillos. Although this may not appear to apply to a family, many are unaware that flavoured cigarillos lead children to become addicted to things that are sweet tasting. This in turn leads to a higher intake of candy (with sugar – bad), pop (again – bad sugar), and other sweets available from irresponsible parents and adults. Now that they can’t become hooked on sweets by tasting cigarillos, kids will be less likely to become obese and develop diabetes. Families are dancing in the streets!

So today on this Family Day, after work, raise a glass with your family in honour of our illustrious leader, Dalton McGuinty, who not only gave us THIS DAY, but has saved us from ourselves by outlawing bad things (with more to come!!).

Remember, without Dalton McGuinty’s bans, our families would all be dead.